It’s the last week of the semester and one of my work colleagues who happens to be gay walks into my office to chat for a while. We start discussing relationships and how he has never had the desire to have one. Mark does not like attachments and the hurt that comes from relationships, he would rather have meaningless affairs with people. I have been single for a very long time and I know the attractions to being alone. But then again my singleness was not by chose but by not finding the right person.

Mark is not out to his family although he claims that they know that he is gay. He says that he has never seen the need to come out to his parents as he will never have a relationship that will lead to lifetime commitment. He says that if he will never commit, he will never bring anyone home, so his parents don’t need to know about his gayness as he will never be in a relationship. So his coming out is attached to whether he finds a partner to commit to or not.

Recently Mark has been feeling the need for a relationship. He hates the fact that he wants someone, he hates that he feels alone and wants a boyfriend. He wants to be alone, but his heart longs for something more. He says he cannot control the fact that he longs for someone, even though he denies himself. Having a partner will then also drive him to come out to his family. I thought Mark’s anecdote is the perfect example of the complexity of the lives of gay people. His story shows how one part of you can conflict with other parts of you and I told Mark that it’s OK to have gray areas. It’s OK not to have all the answers.

Marks also confirms that sometimes when you start to date, that’s when it hits home that you really are gay. For your own self but more so for family and friends. Some people don’t believe your gay until they see you with a partner. We all know the line “if you have never been with a guy, then how do you know.” And the answer is always……..Trust me ………. we know!